Hmm.. received a msg from u.. bad news.. u cant go out with me tmr le.. oh god.. im like HAIZ .. the msg added on to my dissappointment.. was really looking forward to tmr.. its like a mth we last went out ? .. coz nan de i have the time ( no UTs on the early part of the week) and i can relax myself and even more nan de when u r free on sats.. then u tell me u need to send ur mum off...well, msged u that i was just joking when i told u its ok, im not dissappointed.. well actually im lying.. yes i m .. haha.. i really felt dissappointed when i see the msg.. told myself that i can relax on sat le , so work harder for this week..its like giving me sth to look forward to but now suddenly gone.. =( even if wait till the 2 public holidays also quite long... and u may have UT somemre.. haiz * shrugs* but then still told myself i've got to be understanding..so yea.. what to do.. oh wells....
Went home after ensemble , tiring day, dint noe why i went to ask my dad for allowance, which i usually dont.. but ended up got sort of scolded by him, said i spent $ like so fast when he already gave me more than usual.. but i think .. did he ? Mum agreed that he dint give me more than usual.. we had the since -when- did -he- thinking .. Told him that no he dint, but he argued with me.. hmm.. i knew i couldnt talk back, and even if i do, i will still lose to him, coz i can never win him..not even once, oh wells since young it always has been like this.. to him, he is always right. Hence, dint even bother to argue back, just let him say what he wants. Sighz.. i dun think i spent $ like water lor.. anyway it has been past 2 mth since i last took any allowance from him and i use my own $ lor please..like as if he gave me alot for allowance, .. *roll eyes* he is supposed to give me allowance anyway.. hmm then mum told me, so the 'extra' $ he gave me, is in the form of paying my bus stamp.. which other parents exclude it from monthly allowance.. and the $ for paying my haircut... Ha! so that was it.. had i known, i would rather depend on myself for the bus stamp .. and not even chose to cut my hair that time.. quite disappointed with what he said .. i mean to your own daughter u're so calculative.. not that im not understanding to keep asking them for money.. on the contrary, i dont even ask for $ unless i really really need it . its either they give or i dun take.. and i paid for my own expenses with my own $ somemore... wow lucky i have savings...
And that moment, i told myself.. i can never depend on him..and i will not if i can.. mum told me to depend on myself.. i agree... haiz.. mum dint say anything, but i noe she agrees with me..
Oh wells though feeling not very good, though im not 110% independent, but im nt that dependent too.. nvm.. Just had a thinking lingering in me.. i will not depend on him.. forget it.. haha... watever..
arghz.. arghz not totally becoz of u, but also coz of my dad too.. so now u noe why i said the sudden pullout added on to my dissappointment ? so suay huh! 2 coming at one time ... totally no mood for anything le.. already tried to relax but failed ... just want to bury myself in some hole somewhere.... oh wells..i tend to isolate myself when i not feeling good.. so i dun talk.. i rather not talk than talk and hurt pple..
Just so rotten.. *throw more eggs here*
continuation to sat ...
What would u do if im unhappy ? guess u wont say much but sorry. Ever occured to u that eh? how come she's so quiet today ? i duno.. guess if i nvr ask u why dint u ask me why i wont have a nice evening, u wont realise why im so quiet or even think of asking me if anything happened... i duno why but i think for the whole of today i felt the worst when i walked into the gym toilet and saw u n xl there listening to music...
Hmm , U think im pissed.. no im not.. Instead of using pissed as the word to describe how i feel, i would rather use mixed feeling . For ur case , I cannot be pissed.. for i have no reasons to.. I noe myself its not on purpose that u have to cancel today's dinner. And i noe the reason for the cancellation too. Precisely, all the more i noe i have to be understanding, all the more i reprimand myself for not being so.. Having a mixed feeling, i struggle.. i am at one side disappointed, on the other hand, reprimanding myself why i cant be understanding... arghz.. i duno why i cant be.. and i duno why did i feel disappointed to such an extent this time round. Afterall, its just a small matter, we can always have dinner another time. Hai.. the reason why i told u that u should double confirm next time if we r going out, coz i dun want to feel disappointed.. i dun wan to worry that wld u msg me anytime and tell me its cancelled.. im afraid of feeling that.. maybe its alright for u or to others to cancel it, but sorry to say this time round.. i cannot be like other people... who just says ok lor..
if thinking this way is being childish, then i admit i m this time, and sorry for that.. i cant control it and the consequence is Im suffering myself too.. so now u noe everything.. everything that no one noes.. and everything to my silence..
